School, a query

School, a query

blank white page.

blank white page.

blank white page.

For weeks I was sitting at night in front of that BLANK WHITE PAGE. Writing has always been my outlet, my tool for reflection. Bringing my chaotic life experience into a story my mind can make sense of was always my way home.

Too tired, too busy, too distracted, too insecure to start to write my way home on that blank white page, filling the canvas with vision, hopes, dreams and inquiry.

Exactly a year ago I stumbled upon a post on huffpost about three questions the Conley family answers at the dinner table each night and it goes like this:

“For the first time both of my daughters are in school, each in different grades and different schools. It's been interesting to see our family of four pulled in four different directions during the daylight hours. While I am grateful for the new ideas and people my children are being exposed to, I am concerned about losing touch with them as they journey away from me. I guess this just sounds so motherly of me, but I'll write it anyways -- I needed to find a way to strengthen our family bond even as our horizons broaden beyond the landscape seen from our front stoop…”

Progressively Lea got more and more upset, irritable, generally imbalanced and unapproachable for me, she’d barely talk to me and if so in a tone that was at the edge of what I can bear as a mother. There were only triggers left and I had a child in front of me that felt so far out of reach that it hurt my heart.

And the disenchantment set off:
I thought I’d give this time to her as a gift. I wanted to give her the colours and the taste of world straight into her experience. But that chapter was simply over for her. She was ready for HER NEW CHAPTER. She didn’t sit me down to say: “Ok mum, stop. I want to go to school.” It was just obvious in her every behaviour that something is significantly off and we need a change. So we went through the options again:
* Homeschooling:
I realised very early in her life that homeschooling is not an option for us. It doesn’t work for our individual mother-daughter-connection.
* Take off and go to Portugal:
I had sought out a school in Portugal (the story forest) which I wanted to get to know as I heard amazing things and I was still dreaming about leaving at the sea. But I was just not brave enough to leave my whole family support network, clients and friends.
* Take her to the Montessori school across our old apartment. But they were full.
* Just stick to the plan of traveling and trust that she’ll find her way and cooperate. But that didn’t feel right

And suddenly it was now!

I wanted to be prepared for this so badly. I wanted to celebrate her first day of school. I wanted to have her own very unique school bag ready, I wanted it to be a ceremony and most of all: I wanted to be one with the situation and fully convinced that the school we’ve chosen is the right one, on line with the concept, in line with our life plans.I wanted to be settled in a home which is our cozy place were we get together, I wanted my carrier to be adapted to the significant changes a “stable in one place” lifestyle would bring.
I so love to be organised and have things fall into place.

And suddenly it was now!

And I was non of it. I wasn’t convinced, I wasn’t prepared, I have not found our home, my carrier is still tuned to the “go and travel the world” lifestyle, the general puzzle pieces of my life are still a great big pile of creative chaos, we didn’t have a celebration, I couldn’t make it a ceremony.

And suddenly it was now!


So how were you brave (today)?

I back paddled, I read the signs my child showed me, I acted upon them, I was ready and willing to change plans even if it was the most painful change of plans that could have happened to my … I call it the freedom-loving-gypsy-ego.

So how were you kind (today)?
I allowed myself to dive into the experience with a fully open heart, to receive the new school community in all it’s colours. I kindly received myself in moments of self doubt and the vulnerability of a dream-bubble that has burst.

So now we’re living the 4 of us in a 48sqm short stay apartment, furnished like all german-grandma-houses (some of you have already wondered about the background ambiance of recent pictures in posts, hahaha), cycling distance to Lea’s school. Too small to practice anything else than handstands and far enough away from our community that we feel isolated and hungry for practice. We’re checking out houses, apartments, places, scouting the area to feel into our dream to have a “farm”. A place to practice, stay, be, laugh, live, work, create. Practice a lot and many things. From Yoga to Acro, from meditation to handstands…

Practicing letting go of the past and opening up to the future. Knowing now that school and everything that comes with school: a frame, a commitment, a non-negotiable set of rules, a routine in the morning, a responsibility, a challenge, a duty which is exactly what settles Lea’s hungry spirit and gives her mind the food it asks for in a loving, colourful, anthroposophical way. The Waldorf way.
Now one of the Weis family is settled. Three more to go :)

Letting myself be guided. Ready for the next chapter. Let the games begin.