Embracing Fear

Embracing Fear

  1. Embracing fear

“Go to your fears. Sit with them. Stare at them. Your fears are your friend. Their only job is to show you undeveloped parts of yourself that you need to cultivate to live a happy life. The more you things, you’re most afraid of doing the more life opens up. Embrace your fears and your fears will embrace you.”

Jackson Kiddard

9pm, my daughter is asleep quietly, the kitchen is clean, the tasks of the day done as I allow myself to enter my time of self care - which I successfully avoided for quite some days hiding in “service mode”, not making any effort to be looking beyond the superficial everyday stuff - lighting candles, switching on music, smudging myself, my practice room and rolling out my mat.

It’s been an intensely emotional day with that kind of confusion that arises when things are stirred up for everyone and no one has been consciously dealing with them yet. Just this dark clouded inner sky which is charged with the full spectrum of emotions before it unloads in a thunder storm. The apartment was charged, our tone of voice was charged, unsettled reactions appeared in every single interaction. I observed it all day, not knowing yet what to do with it and lacking emotional resources to creatively work with the situation, being all absorbed in my own unsettled emotions.

Softly it knocks on the door and my husband asks for permission to come in and sit down with me to tell me something. My big bellied and expanded gut feeling already senses his clarity and the depth of what he’s going to tell me and I can feel the tears behind my eyes getting ready to be flushed out… they’re just waiting for a trigger. I sit down with him on the mat and he addresses his emotional state with the expected clarity, openness, receptivity, calmness and authenticity. And my tears are finally released and flow down my face as the rain drops were falling down the sky earlier today.

And there I stand outdoors: at 1am in an outworn pregnancy shirt, my nickers, barely covered to my mid thighs by a wollen coat which I can only close to the start of my massive belly and my flip flops. And I realise I didn’t bring a key. I look up in the sky in deep gratitude for a warm and pleasant night showing bright stars which receive me in my rather extraordinary outfit without any judgement. I laugh quietly at the odds of my particular way of being a mum and start my wide legged pregnancy walk around a quiet block. The peacefulness of the night allows my emotions to calm down and the slow rhythm of my steps calm down my hip and sacral pain. As I return home I find Pascal happily opening the door for me while Lea is asleep.

I allow the whole evening just have unfolded as it did and finally find some sleep at 3am. “Just checking if you have some ghosts left in your closet” my Doula wrote the night before signalling her availability to to chat and allow “the ghosts” to join the party if necessary. As I fall asleep I know it’s time to finally open the closet and look at the ghosts… “Go to your fears. Sit with them. Stare at them. Your fears are your friend”.