“You are good
You are love
You are free
You are powerful
You have value
You have purpose
and all is well”
Abraham Hicks came into my life through one of my powerful female role models that has inspired me on any level possible. Jenny Sauer-Klein. A teacher who literally “rocks the room” the moment she’s present and then pulls one magic trick after the other out of her magic box always taking me to the core of my flawed belief system, to clean it up and then return with a shining light of empowerment and current mission of who I am. I got my last “self value fix” in my Level II AcroYoga teacher training where she held the space in a deeply inspiring way.
I was 31 weeks pregnant. After that she left Acro Yoga and I gave birth to a baby girl who was and still is taking me on a journey deeper and deeper into my purpose and the understanding of human existence in general. One role model left my reach and a huge project of awareness entered, and now, looking back, I’d say my baby girl lead me into a profound identification crises (which always is a necessary step for a metamorphosis).
I was born and raised into a generation in Germany that got the equality between genders on all levels implemented. Boys and girls where mostly the same and maybe girls even received a bit more support, especially when it came to the school subjects that were traditionally more governed by boys such as nature science and mathematics. We were all treated equally and it seemed like all political forces joined to iron out any unevenness in percentage regarding gender equality for any section of social, academic and economic life. Partly conscious, partly not I picked up on the feeling I’m capable and required to doing anything as well as the boys. All of my grades were a straight A, a big part of my studies were nature science and I measured myself with men quite often. I learned to fettling, to repair cars and basically nothing was too heavy for me to carry if it can be carried by a man. All of this, mixed with growing up as a child of a warrior single mum somehow deeply ingrained in my bones that I’m highly independent, capable of doing anything myself…
And I guess my labour took these loooooong hours to start shattering some of these thought patterns already then to allow change to happen. A change in the way how I see and embody my role in this life. Suddenly it wasn’t about any analytic brain activity anymore, it wasn’t about reasoning or knowing facts in the mind. It was nothing else but feeling. A deep watery world of emotional intelligence. A body that has grown and pushed a human into this world, suddenly produces milk, that knows how to continuously create the warmth and tenderness of the womb now on the outside, an ear that hears what cry is for what and eyes that only see one thing: the beauty of life. My body knew very well, all of this. But my mind needed to compost A LOT OF LEARNED KNOWLEDGE in order to settle into what has become.
I suddenly was highly dependant. Asking for someone to bring me water while breastfeeding, to carry even little things, for someone to pick something off the floor because my pelvic floor was tired a for long time after birth, to cook a meal, to look after Lea while… This last one in particular actually continues for a LONG TIME… So now what? I’ve spent all of my previous time of my life in effort to invest in a decent education, grew up with the idea of compatibility of carrier and motherhood and now the only thing that makes my heart truly happy is to dedicate a majority of my time to be fully present with my daughter, even now, after 3 years it is tricky for me to leave her for longer than 3 hours. To live qualities of motherhood I didn’t learn in school, but picked up from inspiring mums such as Kerys Williams.
All of this doesn’t sound like a big deal. And it truly isn’t. What I came to realise though is that my worthiness as a human being was and still is highly connected with the fact of being a self made woman who is able to support herself and her family financially (important!) and emotionally (for sure anyway). So the identification crisis happening in my self in the last three years was based on: How do I bring value to my pure presence with my daughter and certainly many actions I have not gotten the chance to become so “professional” in than in my work as a passionate yoga instructor and body worker. The answer to this one lies in the contentment of my heart and the equanimity I notice in Lea’s being when I truly drop into presence with her. The answer lies in the deep knowledge in my gut that the gift of true presence to our children is making the generation of tomorrow a divine one. Humans who had the space to cry, the space to laugh, the space to be held in any emotion arising and feeling truly accepted in all of the colours of their being. Humans who cultivate that acceptance and love, within and without, are assets for a loving and peaceful world. That value is beyond the logic of economical measure.
So as I’ve answered the question of value of my presence with my daughter, a part of me is content. And still it’s not complete, because beyond my motherhood I’m still an undeniable entity for myself as a woman. The title of the a birth poetry book written by Robin Lim gave my soul finally the words to express how I feel ever since Lea’s born: “The sacred geometry of splitting souls”. Now that there is a part of ME outside my body that I’m never gonna be able to integrate in it again how can I feel wholesome and worthy in myself? The only answer possible for me is in the change of perspective from myself as an isolated system to myself as a part of more, now not only intellectual in a meditation anymore, but in the physical experience that we’re ALL deeply interconnected. In the knowledge of the emotional depth of this bond my emotional body can relate to any mother no matter if human or animal. My worthiness is in the responsiveness to the calling of emotional needs that might not be heard or understood in the world of the gross information. And in order to keep the responsiveness I have, I need to be really kind and dear to myself to stay healthy in my body and open in my heart.